Notes to me

The last time I felt so mentally fucked was during my divorce where I remember my ex-husbands family leaving me voicemails to go kill myself. Until that terrible time in my life I never understood what could ever make someone want to kill themselves. My whole life crashed down. I remember being on a phone call in the dead of winter, sitting in my car and saying, “I never would but I almost would like to go drive myself off of a bridge right now.” 

I lived through that time. I changed everything about my life. I had Chris. Someone who made me pick my ass up off the ground and be the best “me” possible. He knew every single thing about me, understood my mind and my heart, and loved me for it. He was a huge blessing. 

Fast forward to now. I don’t have him or anyone that knows all of me. I’m in a really dark place and I am truly dealing with it alone. I have a problem showing my weaknesses to people. Earlier this week a girl who use to work for me told me about the great impact I made on her life when she was going through so much personal struggle and thanked me for being the most positive and inspirational person she has known. That “me” is dead right now and I am clawing my way, alone, out of the darkest hole imaginable. 

Here is what I’m doing about it. 

  • Making a choice to wake up before 12pm! (Instead of 3pm)
  • Reminding myself that I am still valuable even if I am not making a ton of money. 
  • Kicking negative thoughts out of my head. 
  • Making to-do lists to keep myself busy.
  • Having a 2 month goal to make and save enough money to do a trial run living in Mexico. Nothing/Nobody is keeping me here. 
  • Trying to open up to the people around me despite it being uncomfortable and fearing their opinions. 
  • Praying before bed. 
  • Remembering that I am too hard on myself. My expectations for me are not obtainable. I want to be perfect in all ways. Not possible girl. 

I know I am loved and valued but I don’t feel it right now. I love being the inspiration for the people around me but I just stay in my house because the struggle to be positive is so real. I use to radiate happiness. I miss it. I am more lost than ever. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to start over with a smile. 

Advertisements

My discovery that American life is not for me.

I have felt in such limbo and had a lot of personal struggle in the last few years. There is so much material pressure in America, however, marriage and relationships are seemingly impossible in this country. Everything here is viewed as disposable. EVERYONE is viewed as disposable. We move so fast and everything about money. I’m not sure this luxury lifestyle (that I’ve lived in the last 7 years or so) is really worthwhile.

I am tired of moving 1,000 miles a minute being a “boss” and being judged and looked at as a barbie doll in badass clothes with a great body. — Mind you, I’m not just over here pumping myself up. None of it really matters. My work shows but it doesn’t make me happy.

I have one more possible life choice to make here in the midwest before I really make a serious move. 

What makes me happy? Sitting on a rock in front of the ocean in Quintanna Roo, laying at night in an empty cabana on the beach while Mexican locals play soccer in the sand on a Saturday night drinking cheap beer. 

2018 WILL be the year of peace for me. I don’t care what it takes to get there. It might mean that Vanna dog and I have to uproot our lives and move countries. I dont feel scared about it. Living in a 2 bedroom house for 2000 pesos a month and making 20000 pesos a month selling airline tickets and hotels in Playa Del Carmen doesn’t sound too bad. Having friends all over the Q.R. and Yucatan is helpful too. 

I have to slow down for my mind to be at peace. Here, it is go go go go. This society is draining me. Living as a single woman making an honest living here is not easy. It is especially hard when materialism is forced everywhere you look. 

If my one life choice in the next month doesn’t work out, I can’t stay here.

 I’ve found my happiness in simplicity that is cultural. A culture of people who have heart and actually work to live. And thats it. No more. I dont need a car and I have 2. Riding the bus is fine. I don’t need a dishwasher or this apartment that is bigger than what a family of 4 can live in. I don’t need all of this stuff if i live there.

I have to be free. I can’t keep vacationing to get back to my peace. This year, I want my peace all of the time. 

It might end up being one helluva journey.

I remember my first time walking here 2 years ago. I said “Oh my gosh. This is our world!!! And it’s real!” My breath has never been taken away like that before.

My Happy Place

The low tonight is about 5º. Nothing…NOTHING can live outside right now. I am not made for cold weather. I bought a new bikini today and for the first time in years, I have no foreseen plans of an escape. I haven’t even counted up all of my vacations of 2017. 6? 7? Not sure. Maybe 8….

So I result to this. My apartment is super cozy. I have tons of candles, little string lights and this very girly pink comforter with ruffles on the edge. It all makes my room the most calming dream land ever. For the first time in my life I really love my room! It is my happy place while I am here in this snow globe. Vanna dog is comfy too.

I have a newfound love for candles. I don’t know what it is about dripping wax and flames that brings me peace but it really does the trick. I should also mention the space heater and glass of wine on my nightstand. Boom! Bliss.

4 people. 4 people that I care about and trust know this exists. I hope they allow it to stay that way. B says that he hopes that my blog brings me positivity and also that if he cracks any of the codes about life that I will be the first to know. I am a helper in life. I deal with my issues by saving other people. Except you JCJ–you saved me 1000 times in my early 20s when I was more of a wreck then I am now and made me feel beautiful when I never thought I was. By the way, I know I still owe you about $500 from 2009. LOL I miss you.

I’ve never been good at being someone else nor have I spent a lot of time giving a shit about what the masses think. People will figure out the fake and lets be honest…my face would give it away anyways. My happy place is this room and the 4 of you that make me so comfortable with being me. I appreciate your existence.

Goodnight world.

 

The gift of self love for Christmas 2017

Where does self love start? Does it start at a certain age, time or event in a persons life? I wish I knew with certainty. The problem is that I never quite caught on to it. Truth is, I love myself but I’ve never known anyone to love me half of that much.

Self love is supposed to start with your parents. Your parents job is to build you so far up that you could never possibly doubt yourself. They should make you feel like nothing in this world can compare to you. Mine didn’t do that. Well, my Mom did but it was for my brother, not me.

I’ve always said that when you become a grown up, you can no longer blame your parents for who you are or what you have become because now it is your choice. You get to make an intentional decision to be whoever you want to be. But what happens when you are grown up and all you ever wanted was for someone to love you and now you are 30 years old and the only thing in the whole world that knows how awesome you are is your dog? I am still looking for the answers.

Its Christmas morning and I want to love me without doubts.

I was the kid that smelled like a cigarette when she went to school. One time I was pulled into the counselors office because I had plastic hanger welts all over my body because my Mom had so much anger that she would break them on me. I grew up so scared. At night there was a train that would pass near our house and my Mom told us that it was the “orphan train” and if we weren’t good it would come get us. I was good. I was always good. I was a quiet and sweet little angel. I had curly blonde hair and SO cute. I never knew it though. My mom would do my hair in the morning and if I whined at all about how hard she was brushing my hair she would hit me in the head with the brush. I guess I learned how to be tough when I was young. One time, I know I was under 5 because we lived in a trailer park, I did something bad (I have no idea what it was) and my Mom locked me in the trunk of our family car. It was terrible. I told her several years later that I remember that and her response was, “It was only for a minute.” Because that totally justified locking a child in the trunk of a car. Mother of the century award….

I think the worse thing about me is my memory. I remember things from when I was as young as 3. I feel so blessed to be good with children. I treat them as little diamonds that are like sponges sucking everything they can up. I want their memories with me to be loving.

So where do I start with self love? Forget my memories? Should I bury them in a box or fabricate in my own mind that I was completely loved and cherished?

Silver lining– My Grandma Josie was the most loving person I’ve ever known and because of her (and I am sure others) I know what love is. I am love. I am so loving, thoughtful, caring and often selfless. My definition of friendship is different from most people. I am the most loyal friend in the world. I cherish my people. Even when someone deserves nothing from me, I still give them opportunity. Forgiveness is something I am good at. I love how I can go through terrible things in this world and wake up in the morning with a positive attitude and ready to take on anything. I grew up so scared and as an adult I am fearless. This year tried to kill me. Literally. And here I am on December 25th 2017 plotting my newest business venture and how I am going to make 2018 my bitch.

I do have self love. Look at that ^. It would be really cool if one day someone could value me half as much as I value myself. I work on my character daily. I want to be amazing so I just do it. One day someone will love me ” all of the world behind their back” because I have ridiculous faith. LOL But it won’t be due to my little secret blogs with an audience of zero.

family photo
look at that cute little blonde curly haired angel ❤

 

 

 

 

Committed to not being Committed

Everyone has their own opinions of what “commitment issues” are. I could spend my life on social media viewing 3000 different people with them but they all judge the issues of another because they don’t match with their own vices.

Let me break down what I am actually meaning.

Here are the types I want to talk about (I know there are more):

-OMG I have to get married and have kids because that is what I am “suppose” to do and time is ticking.

-Anybody is better than nobody.

– I am not ready for a relationship – BUT I have 6 different people I talk to so I am never alone.

– I will not settle! My standards for a partner are so specific that the person does not exist.

Now isn’t that a crock of shit? I see people all day judging a different type of commitment issue. I am included!

When I was around 23 I was the first type mentioned. All I wanted was to be married with a family because I was watching everyone I grew up with start families and that is the “right” thing to do. What was my next step? I found a great guy and married him. Then what? Our family began pushing us to start having babies and I honestly got FREAKED out. I started thinking things like “Oh man, I don’t want to get old or lose my body or never have a social life anymore. I am young and SHIT I actually DO have time.” I sabotaged my married within the first 6 months. I lost one helluva man doing that. I am an ex-wife that can say that her ex-husband is a wonderful man but the sex wasn’t amazing and he never really knew all of me. He never knew what made me tick. He knew the “me” that I wanted him to know. I never allowed myself to be vulnerable to him. He never knew my deepest fears and secrets. I was married but I was alone.

We see this one ALL of the time. Especially on Facebook . The relationship hoppers. They find some decent random human being, maybe on a dating site, Facebook or whatever and they decide “This person is alright, will sleep next to me, eat dinner with me and YESSSSSS I don’t have to be alone ever!” Excuse me while I judge momentarily. This is the weakest of them all. They can’t handle themselves. I realize I am judging here but they don’t like being with themselves so they must find another person immediately. This one is the 1 commitment issues that I have never been able to relate with. I have always loved and cherished my alone time and although I have not always loved myself to the fullest, I’ve always thought of myself as a quality person who should be selective in the partner I choose. Sorry relationship hoppers, I just don’t get you. I don’t see how picking a random person is going to fulfill your every desire in life. Maybe it’s not for me to understand and maybe the mere feeling of just having somebody is what makes your dreams come true.

This next one I know ALL too well. This is the person who is “not ready for a relationship” BUT literally is dating/sleeping/seeing about 6 different people. I am a serial “dater” (for lack of a better word) of this type. I swear to God I am more attracted to this messed up commitment type than any other. This is also the same commitment type that likes to judge my own personal confusion about life and love. These are the people who have somebody hanging on a tree limb loving them to pieces while they are over there dicking around with the “I’m just not ready” bologna. This person wants their cake, eats it too, and grabs your cake to eat it with you so you don’t get “hurt” and to reassure you of your value. I am not saying these people are pieces of crap. These are the, in my case, men that I have sacrificed every single ounce of myself for. The men that have known me inside and out who never even deserved it. This is the “I love being single” person. Of course you do. How can you not love having more than 1 person falling all over you at any given time? You are NEVER alone. Could you be compared with the Relationship Hopper because the method you choose is more discreet? Is this healthier? I honestly do not know. These are the people who look at themselves as the grand prize but don’t view their “candidates” as being qualifying. A message to the people who are this type: Please don’t lose your person because you think you have all of the time in the world. Time isn’t promised. The worst thing you can do is end up old, unhappy and alone. I remember telling my ex Tom years ago, “You think you are so hot and that I am disposable but when you get old and alone I will bring you over a plate of thanksgiving dinner. I will be the one still there but it will be too late for us. I will then have a family.” I love you jerks. You make my world go round. 

Moving on…

I am never settling. The person I want to be with will be attractive, lots of muscles, but not too much, smart, witty, innocent, spiritual, charming, gentle, sexy, romantic, not a pushover, motherly, good with kids, a good career, bomb ass sex and have no kids. Can I say UNICORN? Has it ever occured to you that the qualities that you are looking for in 1 human isn’t possible? The biggest reason I knew I could not stay married to my husband was because I did not LOVE having sex with him. Sex is very important to me. Without a doubt it is highly ranked on my list. But something has to give. Chances are that you won’t find a gentle woman who is also an executive. Why? Because a gentle woman won’t claw her way to the top of the corporate ladder. She isn’t the woman who starts her own business. The gentle woman is probably more of a dreamer. The CEO, the realist. Maybe we should be more critical of ourselves. Be more self aware. What can I improve on? Possibly we should renegotiate the terms that we created in our fairytale minds and draft out something more tangible. I might one day need to sacrifice a quality I desire because 1 person obtains MOST of what I am looking for. The person worth it will be the person you are willing to bend on a few things for. The person you can’t picture losing. Your person.

So there we go. We can pretty much lump most people into one of the categories I’ve created. Does that mean all of us have commitment issues? How can we judge someone else when our flaw happens to not match? I don’t really land into a specific category currently. Undoubtedly flawed.  I’ve always said that everything has to match perfect but timing is the bitch. Maybe timing isn’t the problem. What if it’s us? Is it possible that we are all committed to not committing?

 You killed me Big Hoe. But you also helped create me. You picked me up and showed me how great I can be and then you made me fall on my face. That was a tough lesson. Love you twin brain. – Lil Hoe 

 

 

 

 

…Just wait

There will soon be so much of my heart and soul on this blog. Please leave your judgement at the door and only be as encouraging as possible. I need that in my life. I have had so much struggle and heartbreak and only have room for positivity.